I felt completely lost, like my life was out of control. I had no stability or anchor. Nothing made sense…

My life got turned upside down when I was about 13 and just starting high school. This was when my Dad packed his stuff and moved out. Apparently my parents did most of their fighting in private because I never saw it coming. I thought we had the perfect “Leave it to Beaver” family. I later discovered my Dad thought his secretary at work was prettier than my mom and after 20 years of marriage and 5 kids he called it quits and the family just blew up. I felt abandoned, unloved and rejected.

My older sister got married just to get out of the situation. My older brother went with my dad because my mom couldn’t handle him. That left me and my little brother and sister with my mom. She did the best she could but was not even a little bit prepared to be a single parent with three kids at home, especially after what she had been through. We moved around a lot. I went to three high schools before finally dropping out before finishing my junior year.

I felt completely lost, like my life was out of control. I had no stability or anchor. Nothing made sense.

I discovered that drinking, smoking pot and sex with random women or myself could push my pain and panic away, at least temporarily. One increasing common coping mechanism I discovered was isolating and binging on pornography. It started as an occasional distraction but soon became impossible for me to stop even when I realized it was causing problems with relationships with real women. It took many years to realize that my lifestyle left me completely incapable of maintaining any kind of a healthy relationship. My solution to every conflict was to get drunk, get high, have sex and finally just rage out of control when all else failed. It didn’t solve anything but it’s all I knew. I found myself angry, bitter and alone with no one to blame but myself.

I met my wife at a laundromat I was working at. She would come in with her kids who would always run up and talk to me. I didn’t pay much attention to her because she was NOTHING like the women I usually dated. But her kids were so cool that I decided to invite them to a haunted house as it was Halloween season. I was completely shocked when she said she doesn’t go to haunted houses because she’s a Christian and doesn’t celebrate Halloween. I had never heard such a thing before but I guess it did make sense. I wanted to know more about this Christian thing so we went sledding instead.

As we spent more time together she talked about her love for Christ and we started going to church. I met people who didn’t need to drink or get high to get through the day. We made friends together and I was able to give up drinking and drugs very easily. I even quit smoking cigarettes.

We dated for about a year and, even though our relationship was strained because of my selfishness and anger and her codependent nature, we got married and had a kid of our own about 4 months later.

Everything looked great on the outside but the truth was that on the inside, life was a little different. I still struggled with addiction to pornography and compulsive acting out. I hated myself for it and was angry at myself and everyone I cared about because I was unable to just quit. I would make promises to my wife with every intention to follow through but would eventually fail again and again.

I was living a double life of a Christian husband and father, going to church and bible studies, hanging out with Christian friends and going to Christian retreats but in reality, I was sneaking and isolating so I could indulge in what caused me so much shame. Like I have read many times in the first Principle of the Road to Recovery, “Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable.” My life had always been out of control but now I actually realized it. I desperately wanted to change, but I just didn’t know how.

Roman 7:18   “For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”

After 18 years, my wife finally had enough and she left me. I had pushed everyone I cared about away from me including God, or so I thought. Faced with the prospect of losing my wife and family and feeling helpless to make anything better, I convinced myself that the world would be a better place without me in it. I formulated a very specific plan to accomplish that task. As I attempted to carry out my plan I felt the presence of God for the very first time. I found myself crying out to Him and saying “if not this God, then what.” His answer was to stop trying to do it on my own. I sat down with my Pastor and confessed what had been going on. He shared a verse with me that cut through my shame and doubt,

Romans 5:10  “For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His Life?”

He led me through a prayer I had heard many times before but never really made it mine. I truly admitted that I was a sinner, that I needed Jesus’ love and forgiveness and finally accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

My pastor referred me to a recovery program that taught me that trying to hide my sin and failures only gave them the power to shame me and drive me to act out. I began my journey of hope there but found that I needed more Jesus in my life including, and especially, in my recovery. When I heard that Heartland Community Church was starting a ministry called Celebrate Recovery and that it was all about allowing Jesus to lead the way to hope and healing for people struggling with addictions, I was all in.

While my wife and I were still separated, I began attending Heartland and Celebrate Recovery. I knew that this was exactly where I belonged. I was learning that God loves me regardless of my failures. That He forgives me and wants me to love and follow Him. That he uses other people to show me how that works and that it’s ok to surrender to that process.

Part of that process at Celebrate Recovery is the Step Study. I learned during my Step Study about how to unpack the events in my past that I had stuffed for so long. I learned about what had contributed so much to my attitudes and behaviors in my past and that today, I am different. My Step Study gave me an opportunity to unload all that baggage, all the guilt, all the shame that I had been carrying around for so long. I found my sponsor by listening to the men in my open share group and Step Study as they shared their lives. God helped me choose someone with whom I felt would understand my issues and that I could trust to be encouraging but not try to fix me. I was not disappointed.

I found out about the confession thing, too. I found out that with confession to God of my sins, He forgives me but, I needed to understand the healing part and then I read this verse from the book of James in the Bible:

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16

I was beginning the difficult task of letting go – letting go of my bitterness, anger and resentments. I was learning how to begin taking responsibility for my mistakes and to stop blaming other people for my choices. My wife noticed. She still wasn’t ready to reconcile because she didn’t really trust me yet. However, she did trust God and could see the changes that God was making in me. After being separated for three and a half years she invited me to come home. That was 7 years ago and our relationship is getting stronger every day. I know that without God in our lives, and without His ministry of Celebrate Recovery, my life would still be a lonely, bitter, joyless existence.

Since that first Step Study I have completed two more. I even had the opportunity to lead the last one. Each time I complete a Step Study I learn more about God, about myself and about how I fit into God’s plan for me every day.

One thing I know for sure about going forward is that I will forever be involved in Celebrate Recovery.

The only reason I have peace in my life, a healthy and growing relationship with my wife and family, and many wonderful supportive friends is because of Jesus Christ and Celebrate Recovery.

I am aware of one thing in my life – God loves me right where I am, in the condition I am in facing the difficulties that I have daily – BUT – just like you, He doesn’t want us stuck! He wants us to keep moving forward in faith.

None of the things I have experienced are unique but they are the story that God has given me to share with you.

I am a grateful follower of Jesus Christ and a child of my Living King.